Uzbek? Ubet!

Sorry for the interruption

2010-10-25T22:19:00.000-07:00

It's been a few days since my last post. Been kind of busy. Want to introduce you to my new friend, Alma T. She'll blog random shit about adoption, Kazakhstan, post-adoption crapola like screaming babies, petulant toddlers, and daily wtf moments. She's a nasty broad. A bit strung out and over the top. So I gather her posts will be a bit NSFW (not safe for work). But, whatevs.

So.... where have I been? I've been over at doesthisblogmakemybuttlookbig.wordpress.com. Stupid adoption shit that's FUBAR thanks to stupid agencies. Yeah, I'm talking about you Ms. Lori Scott of Little Miracles. I said I wouldn't post again until all my fellow families who signed their sanity away to our fucked up agency, SIAA, which by the way, shut down 18 months ago while I was in Kazakhstan, are home with their babies. The last family is leaving tonight. So on Nov. 7 Alma T. will be taking over fulltime and I'll be over in the corner bar drinking.

And yeah, I know the only reason you're here is to see if the infamous vagina post is still around. Here it is.

CNN Reporter Wants to Hear about Your Adoption

2008-07-22T19:13:00.000-07:00

A (freelance) reporter from CNN wants to hear from people who have exchanged sexual favors for better service, a more favorable ranking, etc. So that got me thinking.. hey I bet there are some parents out there who made a deal with the USCIS, adoption agency, facilitator, or social worker.

It's okay honey. Ain't no shame in that. God knows what I've done for a simple Big Mac Combo Meal.

Here's what the (freelance) reporter submitted for requests:

"Have you ever used casual sex (outside a committed or dating relationship) to get someone to assemble that Ikea shelving unit you just bought, help you move, do your taxes, edit your masters thesis, cut you a deal on the rent, or any other favor? Or have you seduced the UPS delivery guy/gal, contractor renovating your kitchen, or any other laborer working in your home (and perhaps even got a discount on the work they were doing in the process)? If so, I want to hear from you: did your bartering tactic work, how did you feel after the fact, and have you used sex as a bartering tool again?

I also want to hear from those whove had sex offered to them in exchange for a favor (even if you werent asked to do the favor until after the fact) or contractors, landscapers, and the like whove been hit on while doing a job in someones home. What was the outcome? Did you go for it? Did you do the favor or cut them a price break after the fact? Did this lead to any later headaches or did everyone come away with what they wanted?"

Yes, this is a real request for sources.

Please hurry, her deadline is July 24.

Yo, Where's Your Frigging Homestudy?

2008-07-18T09:43:00.000-07:00

Okay.. get your collective 'awwwww's out of the way.

I know (and I agree) that the stories of dogs, cats, dolphins, whales, playtapusses, and gophers adopting orphaned babies of other species is so gosh-darned cute. Who doesn't like to view pictures of those?!?!

But, girlfriends, I'm tired of those mommas just adopting orphans with little to no hassle. I mean, seriously, don't your insides just turn when you ready that Fluffy or Spot was able to take on an orphan without having to complete a dossier? Or submit to endless fingerprinting? How about trying to get through to Homeland Security, the FBI, and local police? Or not even trying to explain to the social worker why they run around naked and poop outdoors?

I mean, enough is enough. They should be forced to at the very least submit a homestudy report. Fair is fair.

And for your reading pleasure, I am posting a few photos of these (what I call) illegal adoptions.

Please Send My Name as a Write In

2008-07-11T13:25:00.000-07:00

How the hell did I get overlooked???? Those boogers were blinded by my beauty.

It's for the HOTTEST WEB BLOGGERS.

You know you wanna see me pose!

It'll be a dream come true for all you readers of my blog.

Click here and find how to protest that my name/blog wasn't on the list.

Babyluv Goes Nudi

2008-07-08T14:07:00.000-07:00

Fortunately, my love for Babyluv is as deep as the ocean.

Unfortunately, my immaturity is as deep as the ocean too.

I break out into uncontrollable giggle fits when I hear the words dicker, pussy willow, organism, penetrate, and sextuple. ((Okay this is really besides the point but believe it or not, I will come back to this point in a bit.))

Because my love is so deep, I wanted to find a way to not only show the world my love for her but to immortalize it as well.

Some people immortalize their love for someone by commissioning the Taj Mahal, others by naming hospital wings after their loved ones, and others sacrifice their only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

But me, I found a more practical way of immortalizing my deep-as-the-ocean-love for Babyluv. I'm having a new ocean species named after her. It's a nudibranch worm. (SHUT UP! Worms are the cheapest species available for naming purposes). The international oceanography group is offering newly-found species to be named after people for a certain price. Here's how to do it.

Anyhoo.. I thought the nudibranch was appropriate because I would hoot with laughter because of the 'nudi' part of the name.

The whole naming thing costs $15,000. Does anyone have that for me to borrow? I mean, I could try to work something out with Eliot, Charlie, and Peter from the post below but I'm too much of a lady for that.

Translating 'ew' and 'ick' into Adoption Costs

2008-07-03T09:10:00.000-07:00

Men. Especially married men. Those married to gorgeous women.

If you're like me, you've been tickled pink with the sordid details coming from Christy Brinkley's divorce trial. Her soon-to-be-ex-husband spent $3,000 a frigging month to pay for online porn sites. Oh.. here's an 'eww..ick' factor.. he used his webcam to film himself 'spanking his monkey.'

So.. let's take a look here how all this naughtiness could pay for an adoption.

$50 (notary, certification, apostille fees)
$15,000 (agency fees) ((NOTE: He spent up to $80k.. but I'll just do a 1-month breakdown))
$2000 for Christmas Day Romp (travel fees) ((NOTE: spent up to $35k))
$3000 (homestudy) ((NOTE: I feel bad putting her picture in it but no one really knows who he is when pictured alone.))

And there you have it.

Getting Ready for July 4th, 2009

2008-07-01T09:45:00.000-07:00

Next year Babyluv and I will be hosting a July 4th bbq with hotdogs, burgers, firecrackers, and beer.

In fact, she'll be drinking with me.

Relax.. there's a new product on the market (at least in Japan) called Kidsbeer. There's an article on it titled: Kidsbeer proves hit suds for minors.

According to the article, Kidsbeer, a nonalcoholic brew aimed at children, is catching on with young drinkers and is posting monthly shipments of 75,000 bottles, according to maker Tomomasu Co.

It goes on to say "kids and other people "can raise a glass with this, even if they cannot drink any liquor." Satoshi Tomoda, president of the beverage maker, said: "Children copy and mimic adults. "If you get this drink ready on such occasions as events and celebrations attended by kids, it would make the occasions even more entertaining." The Kidsbeer label captures a nostalgic mood as it was modeled after classic beer labels.

The best part and the truth is the product's advertising slogan: Even kids cannot stand life unless they have a drink.

I get weepy as a proud momma picturing Babyluv saying "Damned Straight" to that.

I'd Toss Up Last Night's Dinner

2008-06-30T10:53:00.000-07:00

A sect in India has a very unique way to give strength to their babies - By tossing their babies off a 50 foot tower!

When Hell Freezes Over

2008-06-24T18:54:00.000-07:00

Two things you need to know about me.
1. I gag at the sight and smell of poop. Seriously.
2. I'm cuckoo for infomercials.

Put those two together and I'm bound to discover something earth-shattering.

Introducing Poop Freeze. Honest to God, this is a product. Not a novelty joke but a patented product. It's going to change the world.

The premise is that if you're tired of trying to scoop up wet, runny, globs of dog shit, then all you need to do is spray this Poop Freeze on the goopy, squishy poop and it hardens so you can just tear it off the grass.

Well, in my ingenious head, I thought .. why not spray it on Babyluv's ass?? Instead of wasting Wipes and getting squishy poop on my fingers, just wait for it to freeze and then peel it off her butt.

I'll be saving the environment too.

God, I'm so smart.

Getting Your Parents to Help You Finance Your Adoption

2008-06-19T07:16:00.000-07:00

1. Some parents just hand over a check to help cover costs.
2. Others provide free babysitting.
3. And others really want to help you and be a part of the adoption process but just can't afford it.

If your parents fall into category #3, there's hope!!

There's a new rage nowadays called Elder Porn. Time magazine did an article on it. Click here to read it.

74-year-old Shigeo Tokuda, one of the biggest stars in elder porn, has starred in more than 350 movies in the past 14 years. Shigeo's movies have become best sellers for Glory Quest, the porn company he works for.

Shigeo said that he plans to work as long as they continue casting him, "People of my age generally have shame so they are very hesitant to show their private parts, but I am proud of myself doing something they cannot. That doesn't mean that I can tell them about my old-age pensioner job."

Although films featuring women in their teens and 20s are the mainstay of the industry, a trend toward "mature women" has become evident over the past five years.

Ryuichi Kadowaki, director of Ruby Inc. which specializes in "mature women" titles, says that when the company started the genre a few years ago, the term referred to actresses in their late 20s, and last year it was expanded to ladies in their 70s. And the company sees the advantage of the "mature" titles is their enduring appeal: "Adult videos with young actresses sell well only in the first three months after the release," Kadowaki explains. "On the other hand, 'mature women' films enjoy a steady, long-term popularity, which after 10 years or so might lead to a best-seller." And then there are the cost savings — a popular young actress can earn up to $100,000 per film, while a mature actress is paid only $2,000. The market for "elder porn" has doubled over the past decade, according to Kadowaki. "In the view of the aging society," he adds, "I think that in the future we will see a steady increase in demand."

So... get a head shot of your momma and poppa and send them to the film companies specializing in 'mature' actors!!

Your parents need to pay their grandparents' dues in cold, hard cash.

Hey Kazzers... Do You Know Where Your Dossier Is?

2008-06-17T07:35:00.000-07:00

BREAKING NEWS :: BREAKING NEWS ::

June 17, 2008 -- ALMATY, Kazakhstan - Kazakhstan's sole communication satellite, used by many of the nation's TV broadcasters, is out of control due to a computer glitch and may be lost altogether, officials said.

Kazakhstan launched the Russian-built KazSat-1 in June 2006, the first of four it aimed to have in orbit by 2020. (click here for the story)

Bring on the Borat jokes. Now folks, doesn't your dossier in-country get logged in their computer system?

God Bless the security and serenity of international adoption.

Flawless.

I Can't Afford a 6-Pack of Hanes Panties... How Can I Afford a Baby?

2008-06-16T12:06:00.000-07:00

U.S. News & World Report posted this Cosmo Magazine-like quiz about whether you can afford a baby. And guess what... I took it! It's kind of surprising that I subjected myself to the humilitation because just yesterday at Target I had to return a package of Hanes Panties (high-cut briefs, FYI) because I didn't have enough cash between that and nail polish. The latter won. Story of my life.

Anyhoo... here are the questions and my thoughts:

Do you have $5,000 to $10,000 worth of savings in the bank that could go toward baby-related costs?
All of my savings are going toward the fricking airfare and extra baggage charges just to get to the fricking damned country and to pay the fricking document fees. So.. my question back to you, Mr. Quiz, is do these monies count toward adoption fees or is this after-the-adoption? If it's the latter, I'm royally screwed.

Could you live on around $1,000 less a month, the average cost of child care? If you or your partner plans to stop working, can you support your lifestyle without that second income?
Partner?? Second income?? $1000 less a month??? Hooboy.. I needed that laugh.

Do you know the details of your workplace maternity or paternity policy?
Yes, and they are crap. I plan to file long-term disability as a result of all this adoption stress. But shhhhhh... don't tell.

Could you afford to add an additional dependent to your health insurance?
I believe this is what SCHIP, welfare, government cheese program is for.

Do you have an emergency fund that would cover at least three months of living expenses?
See previous answer.

Do you have life insurance and a will?
Yes.

Would you need to buy a new home or car before expanding your family?
No. I have no shame in moving back into my parents' house. Again.. this is a 'shhhhhh' issue. They haven't a clue.

Obviously the article/quiz wasn't written for adoptive parents and those of us dishing out over $40k. I think this quiz was meant for those who invest $1.99 on faulty condoms.

In any case, I still managed to score a decent score.

Click here to take the quiz.

Milking My Maternity Leave

2008-06-12T15:03:00.000-07:00

Leave it to the alcohol companies. They are the true corporations looking out for your best interest.

If you're like me, you're in a dead-end job with a shitty maternity leave policy. I get something like four weeks off. Really, how much bonding can you with a kid that has spent her/his entire infancy in an orphanage without daily one-on-one interaction? It totally sucks.

So while drowning my misery in a few bottles of Mike's Hard Ale.. I came across their new viral marketing campaign. It totally rocks. It creates a fake news story about you..explaining why you ain't at work.

It also sends an email to your boss that reads:

Dear Dickhead (my words),

Because of what happened, I'm not going to make it in to work. You might think I'm just enjoying a summer day off in my backyard BBQing, but I'm really not.

I'm not sure if you saw my story on the local news so here's the link.

Click Here To See The News Story

Tasha

Click on it.. it's cool and safe for work.

I Wanna Be A Batshit Crazy Mom Too

2008-06-11T08:32:00.000-07:00

I'm not a mom yet, but I play one (in my head). So I do an ocassional (read: 2x daily) scan of some of my favorite mom sites. The one I'm totally digging right now is I Saw Your Nanny. It's fricking awesome.. in a nutty, paranoid, and elitist kind of way. The comments are the best part. They are time killers during this long drawn out adoption process.

Anyhoo...I just finished reading a recent post, Nudity Crackdown. In a nutshell, a mother complains that her nanny brought her little girl home in wet clothing rather than changing her in public because "the park department is cracking down on naked children at the park because of pedophiles hanging around and perverts standing around taking pictures? Has anyone heard of this? I was at Diana Ross Park on Saturday, (5/24) and there was water to be played in. Many kids were playing in it. Most had clothing on but 2 or 3 were absolutely naked. I thought this was a bit weird given that it was the weekend and there were fathers a plenty hanging out with their children."

Then the comments begin. Here are just a few of my favorites from the thread.

Mom A: If there is not a crackdown there needs to be. I am so tired of going to the beach, the playground or wherever and seeing people who have their children swimming and playing nude. Aside from pedophiles, what are you teaching your children about respecting their bodies??

Mom B: I get the whole pedophile angle and keeping your kid dressed but respecting your body? What sort of uptight repressed Victorian crap is that?

Mom C: Sorry, I don't think that teaching children to respect their bodies by keeping their privates PRIVATE is uptight at all. Sure, my kids enjoy a naked romp IN the house now and again, and I walk around topless IN the house regularly. But, when in public I feel they should be covered. A child under maybe 2 years old could be changed outside, no problem, but any older needs to use a restroom with privacy.

Mom D: Seriously?

What is wrong with you people? I am in the NYC area and I have not heard of a crackdown. True, nanny could be sparing a not so bright mama's feeling, but also it could be that nanny was lazy. Changing a child's cloths requires effort. The most effort I have seen a nanny display was wrangling the wrapper of a Mr. Goodbar in the 95 degree heat. She used her car keys, teeth and eventually, just her tongue. Oh I wish I had that photo!

Mom (I'm losing track already): No one wants to see their vagina's and penises hanging out.

Another Mom: To mom who is so grossed out by the penis or vagina of a 2 year old? Get your mind out of the slimy filthy gutter.

Mom i'm still trying to figure out how someone's vagina *hangs out* when it's an internal organ. do you mean *vulva*, the external part of the female anatomy?

Yet Another Mom:

THE SKY IS FALLING

THE SKY IS FALLING

THERE ARE PEDOPHILES WITH HIGH POWERED LENSES AND ERECT PENISES!

They are children. People have been having them for eons.

Get over yourselves.

Shit-Hit-The-Fan-Crazy Mom:Undercover regular..you ares oooo wrong..I have watched you and so many of your "Liberal,regular,fellow posters" for years now and I have got to tthank you all for getting us where we are today.

You all jump down my throat every time I post..I never see things the way you do and let me just tell you..we do have a choice..but thanks to %&44##@@ voters like yourselves..instead of taking care of things and keeping our families safe..you all do your liberal magic and these damn pedophile's..discusting shits that they are get out after rehabillitation..and over 60% of them violte again!!

How do you vote MMP, mom, Cali Mom, UNdercover regular, manhattan mama,sprak??

Tha bastards,if found guilty beyond a doubt should be hung..and then perhaps we would be able to take our children to the park, school or beach without worrying so much!!

Your posts anger me to NO end..you are all the same PC jerks who have caused this problem!!

And don't for one second try to play it off like you beleive in the death penalty ..you are the ones who vote to set these freaks free!!

Your posts over the last few years give you away!!

you are all anti spanking anti death penalty, pro ilegal alien, pro positive reinforcement PC dummies who have made our sick worl what is is today!!!

Kill the pedophiles and rapists,
close the borders
spank your child and get this country back in order!!

or stop bitching ..afterall you are the ones allowing them on the very streets your children play on!

...It's me again. Hot Damn!! I can't wait to be a gen-u-wine mom to join debates like these!!!

I'd Like to Thank My Sponsors

2008-06-06T12:31:00.000-07:00

Remember when I asked ya'll to click like crazy on my Google Ads? Well, you did and I was set to get a check for a whooping 800 bucks. However, the stupid people at Google got suspicious as to how a little ol' adoption blog was generating so many hits and researched my blog. They said that I was violating the contract by encouraging people to click.

So then I was forced to walk the streets (the online streets, that is) and find a new pimp (ie: advertisers). I found some and I never asked ya'll to click. I think a total of 14 of you clicked because I've got a check for 14 cents coming my way one of these days.

I finally decided to actually look at my blog and see who was asking to advertise on my sight.

I took a screen shot. You can click on it to get a better view.

Hot damn!!

How did an innocent little ol' adoption blog generate such advertisers? They must think my readers are all pervs.

Momma Ain't Running in Her Newly Pedicured Toes

2008-06-03T13:58:00.000-07:00

Toddlers.

Once they realize what purpose the legs serve, they are nonstop. Running everywhere and every which way.

Well, Momma ain't running after Babyluv every two minutes. I've got a martini to nurse, toenails to paint, and television to watch. I really can't be bothered working up a sweat looking like a branded pig running after a squealing toddler.

So I found this nifty gadget (and a swanky accessory to boot) that has a GPS installed. So, I'll let Babyluv run around to her heart's content and during commerical breaks or when my toenails are dry and drinking glass is empty, I'll just sashay a few blocks and bring Babyluv home.

The gadget is called Retreiva. Nevermind that it's a dog collar. It's actually the world's most advanced dog collar. So take that!

Plus, dog collars are the 'in' thing. It looks like high-tech fashion.

I Call Dibs (Part 2)

2008-06-02T11:27:00.000-07:00

Wow. Ya'll seen the photos of the tribe in Brazil that has never had outside contact?? Well, I'm pretty sure I could whip up a dossier in a matter of days, if you catch my drift.

Countdown for some unscrupulous agency announce that they are "in talks with officials" to start a pilot program with the tribe in 5....4....3....2....

I Call Dibs (Part 1)

Photo source

A UZ Story: An Ambassador, A Hooker, and a Boiling Man

2008-05-29T14:29:00.000-07:00

God, how I love a good international espionage/thriller novel with edge-of-your-seat twists and turns.

And I love it even more if it's actually true.

Meet Craig Murray, an ousted British Ambassador to Uzbekistan who fell in love with an Uzbek um, dancer, and hear stories of torture where they, um, boil people alive.

Here's an article on the whole sorid yet edge-of-your-seat (yeah, I'm too lazy to look up 'captivating' in the theasurus) drama.

In a nutshell, this is what the drama is all about: (before I start.. I should mention that the article states "Uzbekistan sits in the cold, rough heart of Central Asia, shaped like a jagged bit of shrapnel from the explosion of the Soviet Union." I seemed to have overlooked that when I was drawing my 'sitting camel', 'happy crab' 'dead bird' outlines from Uzbekistan.)

Okay... back to the synopsis:

The British Ambassabor, after learning that the regime there, at the urging of the US and UK, allegedly boils a man to his death, visits a strip club in Tashkent. A stripper, who becomes the star of this story wonders '"Who is that old foreigner? Does he have any money?' The Ambassador, in his memoirs recalls that day slightly different: "As I caught her glance, I felt she was drawing me into her very soul," he writes in his 2006 memoir, "Murder in Samarkand" (called "Dirty Diplomacy" in the 2007 U.S. edition). "She looked lost and anxious, like she really didn't want to be there. She defied the impossible by exuding, at the same time, such ripe sexual attraction and such innocent vulnerability. Her body invited sex while her eyes screamed, 'Save me.'"

(my notes: hey perverted old man... you're in a frigging strip club. Of course there's going to be the sexual tension dripping through the air.)

In any case, according to the article, "He tucked $20 into her embroidered panties, walked away from his wife and two children and brought his belly dancer to London to start a new life together." (note: even I don't have embroidered panties. Mine are boringly plain. Anyhoo... back to the story.)

Fast forward through the debauchery and being caught for trading sex for visas - the Ambassador is fired. He claims this was done not because of his non-Ambassador-like behavior but because he stumbled upon the American "extraordinary rendition" program, whereby terror suspects are flown for questioning to countries where they can, um, boil people.

Oh yeah.. who doesn't love a good story of sex, greed, international politics, and human stewpots. This will make for some good bedtime reading for my and Babyluv.

Say Goodbye to the Anal Probe

2008-05-28T07:57:00.000-07:00

I've been warned. When picking up Babyluv at the orphanage, unbeknownst to her, she'll probably be hosting a party for parasites and other germs. (She gets her party animal ways from me. woot! woot!) Moreover, she'll most likely have a fever every now and then due to the change in her environment.

My fear is that I'll have to do the dreaded rectal temperature taking. I can't even bear to watch my vet take my dog's temperature. I just know I won't be able to violate Babyluv's 'bad touch' region.

Thank goodness I found this nifty gadget. It's a pacificer thermometer. How cool is this?!?

Just a Short Post

2008-05-27T14:00:00.000-07:00

What's a hot and sexy momma-to-be to do while waiting to meet her real Babyluv?

She looks for a temporary baby-love (note the spelling difference. Never, ever, ever confuse 'Babyluv' with 'baby-love' Two totally, totally different things).

Click here.

Hey Ethiopia

2008-05-23T14:09:00.000-07:00

It's Klaus from American Dad!

Hey Kgryxyzpqxzstan Mamas!!

2008-05-23T09:49:00.000-07:00

In honor of Suzanne who believes that Kzyxyzstan is shaped like a spleen:

Be proud like a peacock.

A cool shark with shades! The shades are from the shape of some major lake in the country. (ciggie courtesy of Tasha.. although I wouldn't recommend it.)

Hey Philippini Mimis!

2008-05-22T11:12:00.000-07:00

Spotted dog catching tossed kibbles.
At the Dinosaur Display at the Museum.

Hey China Mamas

2008-05-22T10:45:00.000-07:00

See... it's a mama bird pointing.

I obviously have no motivation to work today.

Next week I'll do Krygyzestkdthsstan, Russia and Ethiopia. Am I missing anyone?

Hey Spazzy KAZzers

2008-05-22T07:33:00.000-07:00

You're welcome.

Hey VietnaMamas!

2008-05-21T12:08:00.000-07:00

Ya'll know how much I looove to make Uzbekistan easy to locate on the map. Here are my samples.

Well, I decided to bide my time and help out my fellow Vietnamamas when they get asked.. 'which one is Vietnam on the map?'

I think it looks a lot like an elongated and armless Calvin from 'Calvin and Hobbes.'

What do you think?

Too Stoopid for Baby Games

2008-05-20T11:15:00.000-07:00

Shit.

I couldn't even figure out half of these toddler learning cards.

So don't bother getting these cards as a baby gift for me or Babyluv.

What the hell is hydrogen bonding?

To My Ethiopia Sistahs'

2008-05-16T10:50:00.000-07:00

Hey ya'll.

Today's post is all about Ethiopia. When I think of Ethiopia, I think of all my fellow international adoption mommas. When my co-worker thinks of Ethiopia, she thinks of all the great marathon runners. When my snooty Bedwetters Anonymous sponsor(SHUT UP! I don't judge YOU!) thinks of Ethiopia, she thinks of all the coffee.

What's so cool about Ethiopia is their forward thinking. The WSJ reported that the Ethiopian government commissioned a US-based advertising company to come up with a logo that will make consumers feel like they are drinking a luxury when they have Ethiopian coffee.

This month, the Ethiopian government is releasing the logos for three varieties of Ethiopian coffee beans that it hopes will eventually appear from the burlap sacks that are used to transport coffee beans to coffee cups in cafes. It is the first time the country has introduced a brand for its major export.

That is just too cool. A country creating a logo for an export.

And to conclude this post, I want to dedicate it to my BFF (blogging friend forevah') Haze. Ya'll can find her post on my blogroll thingy on the right. She's in the process to adopt her sweet Myfanwy from Ethiopia.

But my fellow adoption sistahs', please click here to leave Haze a message of goodwill and support. Show her the love!!!

I love you Haze!

Babyluv's Hero Strikes Again...

2008-05-14T16:16:00.000-07:00

Literally.

Ya'll remember 7-year-old Latarian Milton of Palm Beach Gardens, FL from last week? He's the kid that stole his grandmother's SUV and took it for a joyride and told police that he likes to do 'hood rat things' and thinks 'doing bad things is fun.' (the last quote is what sealed to deal to making him Babyluv's hero. Her deal. Not mine. As a disclaimer, I don't like doing bad things. It's wrong.) Here's a link to my post about him.

Anyhoo... Lati (as I call him) was taken in for a mental health evaluation after he allegedly beat down his grandma inside a Wal-Mart over some chicken wings.

According to grandma, it all started when she refused to buy him some wings and Lati ordered them anyway. Grandma went to confront him and that's when happy hour started.

She said, "He just started hitting me - just started hitting me in front of the whole Wal-Mart."

I've got one question about this entire post and the decline of American society:

They serve chicken wings at Wal-Mart???

I think..

2008-05-13T12:06:00.000-07:00

I gave everyone who asked an invite to the private blog. I couldn't keep track. If you didn't get yours, email me.

A Baby AND Clear Skin!

2008-05-13T07:37:00.000-07:00

Hot diggity!!! Uzbekistan rocks. Not only am I going to get Babyluv from there but I can now get gloriously clear skin while I'm over there.

You see, according to a press release from Skinvisible, a research and development company focused on formulating enhanced patented dermatology products, announced it has signed an exclusive licensing agreement for the right to develop and market two anti-acne products.

This agreement marks Skinvisible's second entry into the $2.8 billion acne market. The territory includes Turkey, Azerbaijan, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Turkmenistan, and Uzbekistan.

Double diggity! What more could a woman want?!

P.S. Yes, that is my face. Or maybe not. No, it is. Not. I kid, I kid. No I don't. Whatevs. I'm bored with this conversation.

Regardless, in a few months when I get to Uzbekistan and buy that product, it'll be as clear as a baby's butt.

Mother's Day in the Motherlands

2008-05-09T14:43:00.000-07:00

Mother's Day is this weekend. Most of us think of our actual moms on this day but it's also a day for the mother's of the nations. You know, First Ladies. So I thought I'd pay tribute to the mother of Babyluv's homeland and a few other First Ladies around the world.

Here's Uzbekistan:

Here's France (bra courtesy of Tasha):

Here's Turks & Caicos:

Classy ladies.

Mani/Pedi for Babyluv

2008-05-07T10:04:00.000-07:00

Does anyone ever read those SkyMall catalogs from airlines? I have no shame admitting that I do. In fact, I've been tempted to purchase a few things. My latest temptation is something that's really made for pets but I think I can give it a dual use purpose for Babyluv.

It's the Pet Straightjacket. Yeah, yeah... get off your judge seat and hear me out.

It's a bitch clipping nails of infants and squishy toddlers. Nail clippers are sharp, ya'll. And rusty ones are full of tentnus crapola.

The nifty straight jacket restrains pets for nail clipping purposes. There's even a head hold in the contraption, so you know it's safe.

I say if it's good enough for Fido, it's good enough for Babyluv.

Mommy's Got a Drinking Buddy Next Decade

2008-05-06T06:57:00.000-07:00

According to a new study printed in Time magazine, it appears as though Babyluv will be sporting a goth attitude and will most likely indulge in drinking during her teen years.

In a nutshell, the research states that internationally adopted children are twice as likely to be diagnosed with an emotional or behavioral problem.

"Foreign adoptees are far more likely to internalize their problems, suffering more commonly from depression or separation anxiety disorders."

The study suggests that the problems could be due to genetics or poor perinatal care. "The deleterious effects may quite possibly have come before the adoption ever took place," study author, psychologist Margaret Keyes points out.

Whatevs.

Bottom line is that I won't have to hide the vodka in my water bottle next decade.

Mondays Are Hard

2008-05-05T14:08:00.000-07:00

Hey ya'll! I got the requests to view my private blog. I've been busy all weekend partying and all. You know, the usual Tasha stuff.

I'll get the invites out tonight or tomorrow. Most likely tomorrow because today is Cinco de Mayo and I need a margarita or four.

Good news is that I'm going to Annie's baby shower in a few weeks. I think I'll wear the same dress I wore this weekend to a fundraiser. I don't think she'll mind that I am wearing the same dress twice. I think it's kinda cute being pink and all.. 'cause she's adopting a girl.

By the way, those are my fellow IAMASLUTs in the picture with me. Ya'll know who you are. (and Haze, once again, you're the one taking the photo. We've gotta stop having you be the photographer at these social outings.)

Kisses,
Tash

Me So Happy

2008-05-02T08:24:00.000-07:00

Myspace Graphics

Yeah, yeah. It's happening. I'm $5000 poorer as proof. For those who want to know more, get your sweet bottoms to my private blog.

Referral!!

2008-05-01T08:29:00.000-07:00

Somehow I know this is a match made in heaven.

Babyluv's Hero

2008-04-30T11:22:00.000-07:00

I love kids. The do and say the darnest things.

Take for instance 7-year-old Latarian Milton of Palm Beach Gardens, FL. Latarian stole his grandmother's SUV and took it for a joyride - ran over two mailboxes, hit two parked cars and struck two moving cars before coming to a crashing halt.

When asked why he did it, he said, "I wanted to do it, because it's fun. It's fun to do bad things like drive into a car." He was also asked if he knew he could possibly kill someone, "Yes, but I wanted to do hood rat stuff with my friends."

Come on people! You know he speaks the truth!! If we were 7 years old we'd be shitting ourselves with jealousy.

To be fair, Latarian does think he should be punished. He said his punishment should be, "No video games for a whole weekend."

Lordy lordy, you know that the next time I get pulled over by a cop (most likely with Babyluv in the car), I'm gonna roll down my window and say, "I wanted to do it, because it's fun! It's fun to do bad things. I wanted to do hood rat stuff with my baby."

Thinking Ahead for Babyluv's Future

2008-04-28T09:41:00.000-07:00

A lot of my friends are losing sleep trying to college or profession they should groom their kid for. While I admire that type of forward-thinking, I'm more concerned about important issues such as which clique will babyluv become leader of. Will it be the slutty cheerleaders or bitchy sorority girls? Maybe she'll dominate the adoptive posse. Choices, choices.

And that leads me to my new role models.

Meet Joseph Manzanares. Mr. M. and his girlfriend had an argument earlier this month on which gang their 4-year-old son should join. Hey, at least they are thinking ahead. Word on the street is that gang admissions are a bitch.

19-year-old Miguel was arrested after he showed up to his girlfriend's job at Hollywood Video and threatened to kill her. To show that he meant business, Miguel knocked some videos off the shelves on his way out. He was later arrested at his home.

The woman confessed to the cops that earlier in the day they were arguing about what gang their son should join. The teen mother wants her babyluv to belong to the Crips. While Miguel wants him to join the Westside Ballers gang.

They should take notes from Westside Story and just have a dance-off.

Oh Yeah Baby, Tickle My Pants

2008-04-25T07:06:00.000-07:00

Do you have carpal tunnel from too much finger tickling? Nono.. not THAT kind of finger tickling (sheesh) .. I'm talking about tickling the keyboards from blogging and research overload.

Well, okay, now that you got my mind in the gutter, here's a weird and novel product. It's called keyboard pants.

Seriously, even I can't make this shit up.

According to a website that critiqued the pants: These “Beauty and the Geek” keyboard trousers are a concept interface from designer Erik De Nijs. As you can see, it is made for those who like to compute by putting their laptop so far down on their lap that it is practically at their feet. Maybe it’s also designed to remove that uncomfortable feeling you get when your laptop has been on your lap for too long.

I’m not certain if this syncs to your laptop wirelessly, or if there is some USB wire that you can’t see here. I do know that these pants have speakers built into the knees, and a pocket in the back for storing the mouse. I have even heard that there is a joystick controller behind the zipper, but now we’re back to making tasteless jokes again.

Ohhhh... the attached link is along the lines of this post.

It's Wednesday, April 23, Do You Know Where Your Dossier Is?

2008-04-23T08:58:00.000-07:00

Yeah, yeah.. you're being told it's probably at the MOE or MFA or in a gold picture frame somewhere in Uzbekistan. But really, it could be in Uganda for all you know.

Once your dossier leaves your hands and gets sent overseas, your future could either be A) up sh*t creek without a paddle or B) a start of something beautiful and fulfilling.

So here's an insurance policy you should invest in to make sure your future is B. It's a mere $695.. but that's pocket change when you think about it. I introduce you to the Micro GPA Mail Logger.

The Logger records the global position of your mail throughout the delivery process. Once you complete your dossier, plug in the GPS Mail Logger's MicroSD card and find out where your mail has been in seconds. With time stamps and recorded downtime you can find out where your mail has been and if it was delayed or misrouted. With GPS you get your mail's exact satellite location, how fast it was traveling, and even its altitude throughout the delivery process.

I think we can all trust that our dossier makes it to the country of choice. But the real question is.. what becomes of it once it's there. I mean, some places have a dire toilet paper shortage.

I'm just saying, ya'll. That's all. I know that I value my TP with all my heart.

Tasha Gives Back

2008-04-21T12:40:00.000-07:00

Evidently there's a bra shortage in the third world. Here's the article.

And I'm here to do my part in making the world a better place. The Tash is sending her old bras to Oxfam so they can grace the lovely ladies who are in dire need of support.

I'm getting to the point where I'm running out of undergarments. I already donated my panties to the Burma army. Here's the post of why they needed them.

Pretty soon I'll be running around naked. Gasp!!

The One That Didn't Get Away

2008-04-18T09:59:00.000-07:00

Let's face it. Running after toddlers is a hassle. Those little boogers are FAST, man, fast! And The Tash don't like to run. (CLICK HERE TO SEE TASHA RUN!!)

So, I found a cool and taser-free way of letting my babyluv run around and be able to stop her when she heads for the street. It's called the Shooting Net. It looks like something Spiderman would use.

According to the website, it's safe to use and you don't need government clearance to purchase one. Woohoo.

A Must Read Book for Mommies

2008-04-17T08:23:00.000-07:00

Screw the old 'Our Bodies, Our Selves' book.

Finally! There's a book to explain to my babyluv why mommy's um, heart, is bigger than those of Suzie's mommy. It's kind of like a new version titled 'Our Bob Jobs, Our Selves'.

It's called My Beautiful Mommy. It's for under-8 yo kids. It helps them understand why mommy has a new face and body.

Here's an excerpt from Newsweek:

My Beautiful Mommy is aimed at kids ages four to seven and features a plastic surgeon named Dr. Michael (a musclebound superhero type) and a girl whose mother gets a tummy tuck, a nose job and breast implants. Before her surgery the mom explains that she is getting a smaller tummy: 'You see, as I got older, my body stretched and I couldn't fit into my clothes anymore. Dr. Michael is going to help fix that and make me feel better.' Mom comes home looking like a slightly bruised Barbie doll with demure bandages on her nose and around her waist"

Naturally, it has a happy ending: mommy winds up "even more" beautiful than before, and her daughter is thrilled.

Will Preach for Food

2008-04-16T09:10:00.000-07:00

I have fantastic news for everyone! And by 'everyone' I really mean just 'me' since I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who gives a rat's ass.

The news is that I'm still an online ordained Reverand. (here's the original post)

Which makes it okay for me to bless your blogs, pray for your sanity, baptize your kids, marry you (read into it however you wish), and probably perform some sort of exorcism.

For you peeps I'll do it all for free. Although a monetary or baked tithe would be greatly appreciated.

Blood Family

2008-04-15T08:31:00.000-07:00

Waiting to travel.

It's a bitch.

Speaking of bitch, my Aunt Flo came to visit today.

Anyhoo... got sidetracked there.

Actually, I really didn't. You see, since I've been waiting, 11 months now, I've had 11 cycles. Really, this ISN'T too much information. You'll see why in a second.

I shouldn't be wasting this waiting time. I should be making it productive by starting a hobby, cleaning my house, yada yada yada.

And I shouldn't be wasting my blood. You see, there's this new scientific thingy that scientists have discovered - stem cells in menstrual blood. How fricking cool is that?!

You can check it out here and read about a product that offers women period blood storage starting at just $99/year!

According to the website, "Stem cells from menstrual blood may potentially be utilized in the future to treat a host of life-threatening and debilitating medical conditions such as diabetes, stroke and heart disease, as well as neurological disorders such as Parkinson's disease and Alzheimer's, osteoporosis and spinal cord injury, just to name a few."

I really think ya'll could benefit from The Tash's fantastic bloody goop. It's got magical powers.

Get this, in the future I could be saving you! It'll be like we're blood family.

So... get your checkbook out and right me a check for $99!

Trust me, it'll be worth it.

Hey Adoption Mommas - Are You a Slut?

2008-04-10T05:04:00.000-07:00

If you're visiting my blog, you most likely are.

You see, there are two types of sluts: the single kind and the married kind.

Besides the ring on the finger, the two are basically the same.

I founded a new organization that focuses on providing a proud community for sluts.

It's called: IAMASLUT

It stands for: International Adoption Mothers' Association - Single (or, Sexy if married), Lovely, Unique, Talented

I think that about covers our attributes in a nutshell.

Here's how it works to be a member. For starters, the best part is that it's free and there's no online group you need to subscribe to. Heavens knows we all belong to about 30 gajillion of those already and they clog our email boxes.

All you have to do is either leave a comment or send an email and I'll forward a personalized certificate as shown above. You can click on the image for a larger preview. (You need to inform me if you are single or married.)

The certificate is fo reals, peeps. I got it notarized, certified, authenticated, and apostilled!

So come join Haze, Habesha, Jocelyn, and Suze in this wonderful community. Be proud!

EDIT: Seriously, I'm emailing personalized certificates so be sure to give me your email address.

International Adoption Bloggers Play Date

2008-04-08T08:34:00.000-07:00

I'm busy today ya'll. Gots to make deadlines at work or else I'm out on the streets looking for work.

So I grace you with a photo of me and some of my international adoption blogging buddies. (You ladies know who you are.) I had a rocking good time with my online friends! We need to get together again next year!!

Bon Voyage and Welcome Back!

2008-04-06T18:43:00.000-07:00

A family that is that has been very dear to me in the past year has returned home (okay... 2 months ago) from Uzbekistan with their adorable son! Congratulations on your wonderful adoption journey and here's to a new chapter in settling in as a family.

Another family is leaving tomorrow for Tashkent to add the final verse to their adoption story. They are traveling to meet their son and bring him home. I wish you Godspeed in your flight and time in Uzbekistan. I can't wait to see pictures and hear all about this amazing moment in your lives.

Neither of these families has a blog, so I will respect their anonymity.

I love posts like these - especially when they happen to people I've gotten to know through the Uzbekistan adoption journey and when they have such wonderful coming home stories.

Little Miss Thang and the Tramp Stamp

2008-04-04T13:46:00.000-07:00

Sweet JonBenet on a pogo stick!!

Did ya'll see where Toys R Us is selling lower back tattoos (aka tramp stamps) for little girls? That's right. They're right next to the Hannah Montana and Mickey Mouse stickers.

My first reaction was OhNo They Deh'unt! There's no way I'm letting babyluv out-tramp me. That's just so wrong.

But you all know I'm getting my lucite heels on and marching over to the kiddie store tonight after work to buy my very own tramp stamp to display this weekend. That's right. Momma's gonna get herself some action. Thanks to Toys R Us.

Screw the Homestudy

2008-04-03T08:57:00.000-07:00

If I had only known it would be this easy, I would have taken the Dr. Seuss route toward adoption. All you have to do is name your kid (a Who), choose the gender, choose the snazzy house and then the cool summer day skyline.

And viola, you get an adoption certificate. No friggin' FBI background check, no humiliating trips to the Free Clinic (SHUT UP), no appointments with the fire department. It's just click and download.

All I gotta do is promise to dress Tasha Jr. in cool clothes.

Bitch, please.

You know she's going to be rocking in her hot pink spandex shorts I buy her.

Stick It To Me

2008-04-02T07:27:00.000-07:00

I got my travel itinerary from my agency. Along with it was a list of what to bring. And wouldn'cha know it.. I gotta bring something like a trillion dollars in crisp, unmarked 100 dollar bills.

Holy Jesus with a can of Spam!!! People have been known to be mugged and killed for much less than that!

Since I have a natural proclivity to walk in dark alleys at night, I'm nervous to the core. What if someone tries to stab me and take my money???

Relax, Tash, I said. I found just the thing. Nihon Uni has created a shirt that will protect against stab wounds. According to the website: The shirt are made from a thicker fiber that is three times stronger than the cotton used for an average T-shirt.

It is made from ultrahigh molecular weight polyethylene fiber, which is equal to the aramid fiber which is used in body armor. Conveniently the shirt is still machine washable. It will be released in Japan in June in both a T-shirt and long sleeve form. The long sleeve will be sold for $220-590 and the short-sleeved version for $190-522."

p.s. Yes, that's me modeling the shirt.
p.s.s. Okay.. maybe not.
p.s.s.s No.. it's me.
p.s.s.s.s. Not
p.s.s.s.s.s It is.

Keeping Your Neighborhood Safe

2008-03-31T07:50:00.000-07:00

You never know who your neighbors really are. You watch those TV interviews of neighbors of serial killers say 'gosh... he was so normal.'

You parents should do a Google search of National Sex Offender Registry to see how safe your neighborhood really is. I have a tendency to check mine every week to make sure my street and block are safe. Don't want no pervs in my neck of the woods.

So.. wouldn't ya know it. There's a perv in my neck of the woods. But I think babyluv and I might be safe. You see, he was arrested for getting it on with a picnic table. A frigging picnic table!!!! I can't make this shit up folks!

Ladies and Gentlement, meet 40-year-old Art Price of Bellevue, Ohio. He was arrested for fornicating with his picnic table. The dude was doing sexy times with a damn picnic table! There's nothing sexy about a damn picnic table!!

Art was seen by neighbors on 4 different occasions doing the nasty with his picnic table. One neighbor even videotaped it and turned the tape over to police.

Police think he was getting it on in the umbrella hole in the table.

I had plans on getting one for my backyard so baby and I can have many a picnics in the summer. But hot damn. I will never look at a picnic table the same way again.

Only in Ohio, folks, only in Ohio.

I'm Now Taking Bids!

2008-03-27T07:58:00.000-07:00

Now is your chance to get an EXCLUSIVE!!!

I'm taking bids for the FIRST EVER photos of me and my babylove.

Since JLo got $6million for her twins, Christina got a mere $1.5 million, and the starting rate for Angelina's soon-to-be-born kid is $10million... I'm going to start my bid at $16!!

That's right... the starting rate is $16. (US dollars only. Canadian currency must be converted to US dollars and there will be a conversion tax applied.)

I know there's going to be manic bidding going on.. but now's your chance to get in on the action! Trust me, you do not want to miss out!!

Finally! An Online Game for Me and Baby

2008-03-26T07:31:00.000-07:00

You guys. YOU GUYS!!! Have you heard about the new online game called Miss Bimbo?!?!?!?!

According to Miss Bimbo rules, the goal of the game is to make your Bimbo the "the hottest of hot Bimbos," which involves dating "that famous hottie," becoming a "socialite and skyrocket[ing] to the top of fame and popularity," and even resorting "to meds or plastic surgery", because girls should "Stop at nothing to become the reigning bimbo!" According to CNN, "Breast implants sell at 11,500 bimbo dollars and net the buyer 2,000 bimbo attitudes, making her more popular on the site."

As for the creators of Miss Bimbo, well, the game's 23-year-old creator Nicolas Jacquart tells the Times of London, "The game is structured in such a way that it simply mirrors real life in a tongue-in-cheek way. It is not a bad influence for young children. They learn to take care of their bimbos." He continues: "The missions and goals for the bimbos are morally sound and teach children about the real world. If they eat too much chocolate in the game, it is bad for their bimbos' bodies and their happiness levels compared to if they eat fruit and vegetables, which reinforces positive healthy eating messages.The breast operations are just one part of the game and we are not encouraging young girls to have them."

Whatevs!

How fun will it be to be able to bond with baby over boys and bigger boobs!

Are Your Toys Tired of Waiting for Baby Too?

2008-03-24T07:14:00.000-07:00

We've all gotta entertain ourselves somehow.

I Got Married!!

2008-03-21T07:21:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: You know you've sunk to a new low when you need to preface your post with a disclaimer. But... it's not 'me' that's the root of my demise, it's the 'waiting to travel' that's a killer. Oh and by the way, it was Suzanne, all Suzanne, in the last 'skid mark' post. Sheesh.

I can just picture my mom bouncing up and down in her chair when she saw the title of this post. I bet she's just besides herself with jubilation and excitement that I *finally* got married and that there was hope for me after all.

On the other side of the country, my sister is probably leaning back in her chair, sipping her tea, and has a smirk on her face. She's saying 'Ohhh.. this is going to be interesting.'

So here goes.

I did get married.

The waiting period in this adoption has allowed me to become an honest-to-God online ordained minister , I've now gotten married. But there are two teeny, tiny caveats.

((note to self: how can you post this on the holiest week?!!?))

First of all, I'm married to a girl. Not that there's anything wrong with that. But I just don't think my state recognizes this. Not to mention my company... so there's no mutual insurance benefits or whatnot.

Secondly, and this might be a bit of a bigger point, she's a bitch. My dog, to be exact. I don't want to even consider what kind of anti-animal husbandry laws there are out there. And I'm pretty sure my state doesn't recognize this type of matrimonial union. In fact, it could be illegal in about 49 states (with the exception of Oklahoma <-- sorry Jocelyn and Rebecca). You see. I'm tired of waiting. I get bored. So I checked out MarryYourPet.com. And whaddaya know.. next thing I know, I'm typing names. It's like getting drunk in Las Vegas and waking up next to a stranger and you're both wearing wedding bands.

So there you have it. I'm married. And probably going to prison on some sort of freakish law.

And I would say to you, what I would say to my soon-to-be-prisonmates: You best leave my bitch alone.

Ewww Nasty! Yet Ingenious!

2008-03-20T10:47:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Suzanne over at Kaz, I got a tip on yet another clever travel advice - Security Briefs.

Some international adoption countries call for bringing large sums of cash to complete the adoption paperwork process. It's scary enough traveling nowadays that the extra stress of bringing cash can send some people over the edge.

So here's an ingenious form of travel insurance that's certain to put your mind at ease: Skidmark Underwear with Hidden Pockets for your valuables.

According to experts:

The “Brief Safe” is an innovative diversion safe that can secure your cash, documents, and other small valuables from inquisitive eyes and thieving hands, both at home and when you’re traveling. Items can be hidden right under their noses with these specially-designed briefs which contain a fly-accessed 4″ x 10″ secret compartment with VelcroÂ® closure and “special markings” on the lower rear portion.

Leave the “Brief Safe” in plain view in your laundry basket or washing machine at home, or in your suitcase in a hotel room — even the most hardened burglar or most curious snoop will “skid” to a screeching halt as soon as they see them — wouldn’t you? Made in USA. One size. Color: White (and Brown).

Click here to read all about it.

Now you can travel to meet your bundle of love with less stress!!

Gotcha Gadgets Galore

2008-03-19T08:06:00.000-07:00

So the other day I was researching some video and camera gadgets for stalking purposes. But never you mind that.

As I saw the plethora of cool minature gadgets that give the big ones a run for their money, I thought these would be totally cool for Gotcha Day.

God knows I'm going to have my hands full at that moment and when it comes to emotional moments, most people suck at handling a camera or video recorder. On top of that, last thing I want on the videotape is my nasally voice screaming on that once-in-a-lifetime precious moment "Dammit! The left side, you freaking idiot! Take the picture from the left side!! You know I hate my right side."

Plus, think of how cool it would be to get the 'up close and personal' view of your bundleofjoy's face.

Here are some of the cool and small cameras/video devices. Of course they can be used for other 'useful' purposes but for the sake of this 'adoption blog', let's assume they are being used for Gotcha Day:

Naptime and the Blanket Vagina

2008-03-18T09:16:00.000-07:00

I love naps. I live for them. From 2-4pm every Saturday and Sunday, you can find me in bed. Napping. I can nap through hurricanes, earthquakes, and minor house fires.

When babylove comes, she'll need to find a way to occupy herself while mommy gets her beauty sleep. So I found this cool thing. It's basically a blanket vagina.

It's a hardcore blanket that can be molded into peaks and valleys. There's a slit in it that allows for sleeping comfort, a hiding place, or even those psycho-babble 'rebirthing' experiences.

You could play 'how did baby get here' games or if you want to keep the stork alive, have baby play car games on it while you nap.

I guess even couples could have fun with this blanket.

Click on the picture to get a better view of this rocking piece of comfort.

Let's Shake Hands

2008-03-14T09:43:00.000-07:00

I remember attending my first international adoption orientation that an agency was having to talk about their services and why they should be the agency of choice.

There's really only two things I remember about it. First, they had a lame snack table. Cookies from the frigging Dollar Tree. Hello... but if you want me to fork over my life savings and my sanity, you better be putting out the Pepperidge Farms cookies.

The other thing I remember was that they tried the scare tactic. They literally did scare the bejeezus out of me. They said that if was imperative to smuggle in a dressmaker's ruler (you know, the soft fabric kind that those little old biddies at Sears wear draped around their necks in the lingerie department to give you a bra fitting measurements). Once you had private time with the child, you were to quickly (when no one was watching), measure the child's head circumference, body length, etc. to email/fax over to the international adoption doctor back in the USA.

When I heard this, I basically choked on my cheap cookie. Oh hell to the no! The only thing I'm smuggling into the babyhouse is a Reese Peanut Butter Cup to hold me over in between meeting kids. What kid doesn't like the smell of lucious peanut butter and chocolate on their potential momma's breath. It's like heaven in a scent.

Anyhoo... it's too much responsibility for me to be worrying about head circumference and other things.

Then I heard about this new product called the Information Ring. According to the website: Handshake operates when people first meet and shake hands, and the rings on their fingers gain the proximity to operate. The rings exchange the users’ information and store it while the users are shaking hands. The more people met, the more information transferred. When the users browse through the people they have met, the card displays the basic information that was stored in the ring. The power source originates from the human body temperature, so no plug is required.

Now, if only they had that for the babies. I know this sounds clinical and untrusting, but it would be so much easier than smuggling in measuring tapes and remembering what to send to the doctors.

Shitty Shitty Bang Bang

2008-03-13T07:37:00.000-07:00

Seriously ya'll. You people should be paying me for all the parental advice and recommendations that I give peeps. I better start seeing donations made into my paypal account a-sap because you're going to be thanking me forever for this post.

We all dread diaper changing and potty training. I have a hard enough time not gagging when I have to scoop the kitty litter box. So human poop is going to really test my gag reflex.

Fortunately I have a twisted mind and will get a kick out of the following product. I think it will make diaper changing and potty training rather fun. In fact, I might try it for myself.

It's called Turd Twister. (Stay with me here.. it gets interesting.)

It is a complete kit for shaping your turd into amazing designs. According to the box, it's the Ultimate Gift for the person who has everything, including a "twisted" sense of humor! The kit ships with our 10 most popular Turd Twisters.

In addition, you'll get the Amazing Manual called "How to Twist Your Turds". This booklet is loaded with images explaining the art and science of Turd Twisting.

Most importantly, it's DISHWASHER SAFE!

The shapes that you and baby will enjoy seeing created are: Batman Wings, Birthday Cake, Moon, Planets, Teddybear, Skull, Four-Leaf Clover.. and so much more. Just look at them below.

Mark my words... kids are going to want to be potty trained a.s.a.p.!!!

Book 'Em, Danno!

2008-03-12T08:30:00.000-07:00

I've been stacking up on great children's books about adoption. I received some as Christmas gifts and I've been scouring library sales for them. You pretty much know what I'm talking about: Happy Adoption Day! McCutcheon, John; How I Was Adopted Cole, Joanna; Mommy Far, Mommy Near: An Adoption Story Peacock, Carol Antoinette; A Mother for Choco Kasza, Keiko; Our Baby from China: an Adoption Story D'Antonio, Nancy; Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born Curtis, Jamie Lee.

I know I'm going to get peppered with questions that deal with adoption and I'm covered. I've got great picture books to read to babylove.

I'm prepared for all questions from birth to adoption! Here's the latest book to join the collection. Be sure to click on the pages on the link and it will turn the page to the next one and you can read the entire book. It's great for all ages.

They Are SOOO Hired!

2008-03-11T08:03:00.000-07:00

Eureka!

I found the production company that is going to make my adoption video!!!

Move over Spielberg! Move over Disney! Fred and Sharon are going to create everlasting memories for me and my bundle of love.

They rock in the graphics and special effects department!! I mean, that Loch Ness Monster in the end totally had me convinced.

You gotta watch and listen to their promo video. It's only 2 minutes long.

They's fo' reals, people!

Her Weight in Rice

2008-03-10T09:11:00.000-07:00

Remember those lame sex-ed class homework assignments where you had to 'babysit' a fricking egg or 5-lb. bag of flour for a weekend to see if you were even parent-material?

Well the following product kind of reminds me of it. Although it's not intended for sex-ed classes, it's really intended for grandparents. But I think it's best for those who have a referral but waiting to travel.

You see, sacks of rice can be ordered in the weight of your babylove. Imprinted on the sack is your baby's face. Therefore, ya'll can walk around pretending you are carrying the baby.

Creepy (but not as creepy as those baby dolls). But a very good marketing tool.

Girlfriend please. Don't go pretending that you aren't going to click on this link to order your 15 lb. sack of babylove while you are waiting to meet your referral. I know you wanna. You already got your credit card out.

Don't worry. I'm not judging.

Gifts for the Orphanage

2008-03-06T08:27:00.000-08:00

I'm packing my bags and going shopping this weekend for gifts to bring to the orphanage. I already have gifts to bring to the in-country staff.

I'm making sure the toys are for all ages and both sexes. Here's my list:

Assortment of baby toys for the young boys and girls.
Mickey Mouse dolls for the young boys and girls.
Playdoh and Playdoh accessories for the older boys and girls.
Tonka trucks for the young boys.
Dora the Explorer Aquapet for the young girls.

I think I'm going to have to find something different for the girls.

Hold Me Now

2008-03-04T07:58:00.000-08:00

Hold me now, warm my heart
stay with me, let loving start.

God, I love the music from the 80s. That was from The Thompson Twins. I miss the music, fashion, and hairstyles from those days.

Okay... on with the point of this post: bonding (not to be confused with bondage)

It's well documented that when you first meet your child, holding him/her is first and foremost - developing a sense of trust and warmth.

Thanks to a special pigment designed by Matsui Shikiso Chemical of Japan, there's a new type of baby/toddler clothing that generates thermochromic patterns when body heat is applied. It lets you know where the baby needs some loving and if you are holding him/her long enough. The patterns will fade when enough heat is applied. And that's the goal.

Oh man, if they made those for adults, mine would be blindingly full of patterns. Tres sad.

On a happier note, they remind me of those Hypercolor t-shirts of the 80s.

Spank Me, Spank the Monkey

2008-03-03T09:56:00.000-08:00

Like any mom-to-be, I'm obsessed with learning everything there is to learn about parenting.

And today, I'm learning - thanks to some articles in USA Today and US News & World Report - that spanking is associated with an increased probability of verbally and physically coercing a dating partner to have sex; risky sex such as premarital sex without using a condom; and masochistic sex such as spanking during sex.

Let's think this research through.

Are you sexually deviant? If you're reading this blog, the answer is probably yes. In that case, you were probably spanked.

A new study shows that people who were spanked as children are more likely to engage in "risky sexual behavior...[and] masochistic sex, including sexual arousal by spanking," according to USA Today.

Not that I really see anything wrong with any of that. Sounds kind of fun, if you ask me.

On the flip side, if all this is true... does that mean a non-spanked child will grow up to be a 32 year old virgin that spanks the monkey?

It's all so confusing.

Source: USA Today

US News & World Report

I'd Like to Thank the Academy...

2008-02-29T06:40:00.000-08:00

Hot diggity dayum ya'll.

My statcounter was registering record number of visitors to my pitiful blog and I found out it was because a handful of you have nominated my blog to Adoptive Families 'Blogs We Love.' Double dayum ya'll!

Ya'll rock!!

Ohhh.. if you have nothing to wear for ocassions like these, may I suggest you bid on some of these timeless vintage dresses from estate sales that I'm selling. I just started it last night (Thursday) and have about 50 more dresses to add and some vintage purses & clutches, vintage fur/wool coats, vintage hats, vintage jewelry boxes, vintage bowling bags, vintage brooches/jewelry, and vintage aprons to add. So if you're in the market for any of those, let me know. I'm trying to 'move inventory' and get these out of my house. Vintage clothing/accessories are a obsession of mine and I need to stop.

Time Out Chair that Actually Works

2008-02-29T06:31:00.000-08:00

I always hated time out. You sit in a corner or chair and wait until you're free to go and have allegedly learned your lesson. Let's face it, it doesn't work. I always tested the limits of the 'time out' boundaries. Within two minutes I had already crept out of the chair and would be half way across the room.

I found like cool, albeit creepy, chair. It's called the Trapped Chair and it is designed to keep you locked down until it decides when to let you go. Until then, you’ll just have to given in and relax; resistance is futile.

According to the designer: Being captured by a chair. Embraced by a pressuring softness, until you are released.A chair that opens up and closes. When you get trapped you will have to wait until you are released. The meaning of this project is based on a take of the words intimacy and intimidating. These words have a different meaning but the action can almost be the same. Being stuck is an unpleasant feeling, but being hugged is a very nice one. If you are captured in the chair you will have to give in and relax, the moment you do this it will become a pleasant hug. This hugging also has associations to specific treatments on autistic people to help them control their sensorial input. This technique is called deep pressure and is a form of pressure on the whole body to relax. This technique comes from taming
animals and is also tested on normal people that experienced the same relaxing effect.

I think it sounds kind of cool in a tough love kind of way. I don't have to keep an eye on my bad toddler and the chair is giving her some extra loving.

How the Blue's Clues Became Det. Briscoe from L&O

2008-02-28T07:06:00.000-08:00

There are definites in my world.

1. I love fashionable accessories.
2. I can only take so much Barney, Clue's Blues, Care Bears, and other children's animation.

I know that I'm going to have to trade my Saturdays watching Law & Order and CSI marathons for all the Nickelodeon animated marathons. But after 2 hours of the Wiggles and watching Brindi the Croc girl do a rap dance, I'm going to start drinking.

But I found a cool and fashionable way of changing the channels without being the mean mommy. I introduce to you the Orbit Remote bracelet. It's a universal remote. So when baby is watching the Teletubbies prance around the meadows and the scene changes to that of a murder investigation all while I'm sitting in my chair and she's chewing on the remote, I can just proclaim innocence and say that the Teletubbies have gone away for a nap for the day.

(By the way, this is a great device to wear if your man is watching football and you want to watch Dancing with the Stars.)

Casting Call: Does Your Kid Look Like an Imbred?

2008-02-27T05:22:00.000-08:00

If ya'll been following my blog, you already know that I plan on 'managing' my daughter's career as a celebrity. I mean, mommy wants to have some playtime in her life for once. Mommy needs that house in Beverly Hills and a boytoy to play with. After all, it's about frigging time.

In any case, I continue to scour the casting call pages and came across something that might be beneficial to you guys. Seriously, I mean this is a good way. I want to share the wealth. I mean this is a chance for us to be neighbors. And your kid can be in a movie with Julianne frigging Moore!!

A new Julianne Moore movie set in West Virginia is looking for kid extras. According to the casting notice: "'Regular-looking' children should not attend this open call." Explains the casting director: "Some of these 'holler' people -- because they are insular and clannish, and they don't leave their area -- there is literally inbreeding, and the people there often have a different kind of look. That's what we're trying to get."

Your kid would be perfect for this!!

Click here for the details.

Good luck!! We'll have to get together and talk about what to wear at the Oscars.

OMG! This is SO Going to Happen to Me Enroute to 'Stan

2008-02-27T05:12:00.000-08:00

This is *so* going to happen to me when I go to meet my bundle of joy.

Meet Sarah Williams and Nisreen Swedberg, the dynamic duo who claim that Southwest Airlines discriminated against them because they were too pretty. Here's what went down: Sarah and Nisreen were on a flight from Tampa to Los Angeles. Nisreen says from the get-go they were being ignored by staff because of their youth and beauty. A stewardess would not bring them water! Then Sarah "and another passenger exchanged profanities in an argument over the plane's bathroom". Southwest called for backup when the plane landed in L.A. and the girls were questioned for several hours about the potty problems. Sarah says that the other woman in the altercation was not questioned at all. "I think they were just discriminating against us because we were young, decent looking girls," she whined in a phone interview. "I mean nobody else really on the plane looked like us, except us."

I feel you, Sarah honey, I feel your pain.

I just know when my baby and me fly home, we are going to need to cover up our beauty.

A New Type of Sling/Baby Carrier

2008-02-25T09:01:00.000-08:00

If you're like me, you can't be bothered with the mechanics of a sling. I can't figure out how to put those damned things on after they've been twisted and turned inside out. And baby carriers, those 'soft' metal brackets bore into my bones a little too much for my liking.

I like the new jacket that was designed by Aamu Song and Johan Olin. It's called the Bored Jacket. But I like it for its convenience and simplicity. I plan on wearing one and having my bundle of love where one.

The outsides of the jackets are lined with velcro strips. It's so hassle-free. Just toss your baby to your chest, back or side.. and off you go. It takes up no space and we all know that black is slimming.

Adoption Fundraiser. This Sunday. My House. $39.95

2008-02-22T06:52:00.000-08:00

Another lame adoption fundraising attempt. I'm ripping off Disney's exploit-a-rama of gullible girls and parents with deep pockets.

On February 24th Orlando's Downtown Disney Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique, a high-end spa for kids, will offer Hannah Montana makeovers. For $109.95 you get your picture taken while holding a guitar, wearing a cheap wig and Hannah Montana costumes.

Screw spending the $109 on the spa and the $1000 for a flight and room reservations at Disney. I'm hosting a FUNraiser this Sunday. Moms and daughters can live out their Hollywood fantasies!

Get your ass to the armpit of America (that's slang for 'my town') and for $39.95 I'm offering parents and kids a manicure, a Glamourshot of kids in a wig and costume to look like Hannah Montana. We'll recycle the costume and wig and let mom wear it so she can look like the lovely mother-of-three Ms. Shauna Sand. I'll even provide the lucite platform shoes.

And since we're in the midst of a winter storm, I'm sure plane tickets are 75% off.

Remember, this is for a good cause.

The Dingo Ate Your Baby

2008-02-21T08:00:00.000-08:00

Isn't it creepy how things come full circle in less than 2 hours.

I had just finished reading this depressing article written by Australian scientists about undernourishment in the majority of orphanages in developing nations. Most 'Western' infants need about 2 grams of fat daily to grow and maintain their health. So a six month infant will have consumed about 400 grams of fat in its life thus far. Whereas most orphans would have only consumed about 30% of that - a mere 109 grams of fat.

Fast forward two hours.

I'm at the Outback Restaurant with a friend. He decides to order what Men's Health magazine has named the 'Worst Food in America'... the Cheese Fries with Ranch Dressing. Mind you, this is just an appetizer. According to the magazine, the lovely dish has 203 grams of fat. That's basically the same as a year old baby, probably from where I'm adopting.

DAMMIT... YOU JUST ATE MY BABY.

It's Like the Invisible Fence and SCRAM Mixed as One

2008-02-19T08:23:00.000-08:00

I love me those Invisible Fence collars. It's so cool to see the dogs running around free and then going all spasmatic when it crosses the boundaries of the Invisible Fence. I also know that the Hollywood trend now is the SCRAM (alcohol monitoring) bracelet. It's like, all the rage.

I remember as a teenager back in the 80s the debates on The Phil Donahue show about the pros and cons of kid leashes. I always found them kind of cool in a Planet of the Apes kind of way.

However, now that I am about to be a parent, I know the general feeling of complete nervousness that occurs every time my child will just up and run off in a public place. I can just picture Detectives Stabler and Benson showing up at my doorstep.

So I decided to do some research and found that there's a technological alternative to the kid leash. It's the In-Reach Child Tracking System. This device has an ankle bracelet that is reminiscent of those under house arrest or parole. There is a child sensor belt for the parent.

Apparently, you set a boundary for your kids so that if they go outside it, an alarm will sound. This boundary can be as low as 10 feet or high as 300 feet.

So now baby will be safe and mommy will look trendy with her faux SCRAM belt.

Happy Monday

2008-02-18T08:49:00.000-08:00

No adoption news today as it's a holiday.. but yet I've got to work.

Go figure.

Yipes! Stripes!

2008-02-15T07:43:00.000-08:00

I'm kind of with this preschool I'm going to be telling you about. The way kids are being dressed today - it's a bit insane. And sometimes just too cutesy-cutesy for my taste. However, as a soon to be momma, you can be damned sure I'm going to exercise my haute couture rights when it comes to putting frocks on my kid.

According to an Associated Press article, this preschool in Sweden is being criticized for banning children from wearing striped and spotted clothing; the patterns give one of the teachers severe migraines. The school's staff urged parents to dress their kids monochromatically, but some parents are not happy.

Actually, when you think about it. Aren't the Swedes the ones who introduced us to striped kids clothes? I remember all the rage of Hanna Andersson and their 'playdress/daydress' crapola. $34 for their dresses when I can just cut a hole in a pillowcase and call it a dress.

A Special Valentine Plea to Jen in Texas

2008-02-14T08:37:00.000-08:00

Jen, hon, why doncha share the love today?

You see, you taunt us on your blog with references to your Special Forces buddies and how they all (bachelors, natch) attend your adoption shower.

The Tash ain't feeling the love. She needs some special forces in her life (get the play on words? neat, eh?). Especially today of all days.

I know those men like to play with bazookas. Well I've got a pair of heart-stopping bazookas. I mean, I carry around those guns all day long. They are lock-n-load ready, sugar.

I'm sure I'm not alone in this sisterhood plea. Something tells me that Habesha, Haze, and Suzanne wouldn't mind feeling some special looove today too. Maybe we can do a fourfer deal. (sorry gals for throwing you into this offer. But it's for a frigging good cause.)

So Jen, luv, you go tell those manly men to give Tasha a call.

Cleaning Out the Mean

2008-02-13T08:32:00.000-08:00

I'm not a church-going gal. But I'm a believer.

I'll prove it by confessing. You see, I've been having thoughts: impure, mean, selfish, and even judgmental thoughts. These are about some PAPs, the adoption process, and the whole gamut.

But that's okay. Because I've been cleansing myself. There's been a soap product on the market called "Looking Good for Jesus" and I've been using that to wash away any impurities and cleansing myself for a problem-free adoption. You know... keeping away anything that may jinx things.

On a daily basis, I've been redeeming myself with the virtuous vanilla-flavored lip balm. I even got "Tight with Christ" by using slathering on the hand and body cream. I even kept my thoughts pure while rubbing on the cream.

But the products have been yanked from the market. How am I to wash away the mean??? I think I found it. It's a soap on a rope.

Just Give Me a Paperbag and We'll Call It a Day

2008-02-12T11:17:00.000-08:00

Stress. About 100% of the adoption journey is stressful. The other 0% is relaxing.

There's the paperchase, the waiting, the choosing, the international 'situation' that causes nerves to come undone. On top of that there's diplomacy-gone-bad, the finances, the ethics or lack thereof, the rude questions, the medical shots, and the dreaded FBI check where you pray that all those things you sorta recall doing in college never got recorded. You still hope that those surveillence tapes from the 1980s are too antiquidated to be of any value nowadays.

There's this lovely gadget called the Stress Eraser that reminds you when to breathe. It's supposed to calm you. According to one blogger: The little biofeedback machine, which is about the size of a BlackBerry, has an infrared fingertip sensor that monitors the way you breathe by translating pulse beats into waves that you can watch roll across the StressEraser's LCD. The machine essentially decodes various nerve signals—it's complicated, but there are stimulating nerves that increase your heart rate and lead to faster breathing patterns, and pacifying nerves that do the opposite. We want the opposite. To get there, you simply slip your finger into the slot and monitor your breathing patterns on the LCD, counting softly as you shed your stress. The waves are supposed to come in gentle arcs; at first mine looked more like a series of daggers. By sounding a little beep when it's time to exhale, the StressEraser teaches you how to calm yourself.

Oh. I should add that it's $300. I ain't got that kind of cash sitting around in my house. But feel free to send me one.

If you don't want to send that, feel free to send me your airline miles. That would really help destress me.

Some Product That Does Something

2008-02-11T09:12:00.000-08:00

I got an email today about this new European product. We all know that European gadgets are so nouvelle haute and all the rage.

Anyhow, the gadget does something like put your kid in a horizontal position or some position. I guess it's good for the kid.

Whatever. I can't concentrate on it.

According to the website: The Cybex I.GO let's you carry your baby in a horizontal postion during the first four months, which is what most european pediatricians recommend. Afterwards, parents can transport their child in the I-GO in a vertical position up to an age of approximately 1 year while baby is either facing the parent or later enjoying a free view ahead.

Seriously peeps. The gadget is a dime a dozen.

The real question is: How much for the model??

I'm Here to Help You So You Can Read My Blog

2008-02-07T06:56:00.000-08:00

It's okay ya'll. Just keep reading and continue to visit. I've got something that's going to save you your job (although not necessarily your sanity).

So how often have you found yourself addicted to adoption blogs, looking at porn, and reading even more adoption blogs and forums at work, only to have your boss bust in on you?

If you're like me, you start clicking like a madwoman trying to get something else to show up on your screen. I hate to break it to you but it’s usually pretty obvious that you weren’t actually working. If you really want to continue to enjoy my blog (shameless plug) at work on a regular basis, you might consider investing in the marvelous Thanko Phantom Mouse brought to you by the creative Japanese.

How exactly is a mouse going to help you out? Well, most mice really wouldn’t do much, however, this little guy has a special red button that could save your job. When the “Phantom button” is clicked, one of two things will happen, depending on how you have it set up. You can either have it minimize all programs, or you can have it bring a particular program to the front of your screen. Personally, I’d have it do the latter.

The price for this peace of mind is only $24.

I Am So Flying This Airline to the 'Stan

2008-02-06T08:03:00.000-08:00

Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes. Dreams do come true. Okay.. I'll most likely be totally grossed out by this whole experience but then again, this is something out of an Austin Powers movie. So shagadelic.

A German airline is offering nudist flights because the Germans, with their beer bellies and sauerkraut guts love to share the love. And I'll fit nicely in.. as long as the lights are dimmed.

According to the CEO of the airline, there are a few basic rules. For example, no hot drinks will be served and there will be certain hygienic regulations. Passengers won't be sitting directly on the seats but on specially sized cloths laid on them. And the crew will have to remain clothed, too.

Oh yeah, and no groping.

This could be my lucky flight by getting a twofer. You know, baby and boyfriend.

Oh wait. According to the CEO, "we do not want it to be some airborne dating service."

Damn.

Nevermind.

I Know What I'm Wearing for Gotcha Day

2008-02-03T20:35:00.000-08:00

This is soooo cheesy, dorky, and geeky that I just have to wear it when I meet my bundle of babylove. When you were it and are away from your babylove, you only have 2 hearts lit up. But when you get within 2 meters of your loved one wearing the other shirt, all 6 hearts light up. (click on the picture above to see how it works.)

It's the 8-bit LED heart shirt. According to their website: “Buy one of these glowing shirts for yourself, and gift one to your significant other (boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, fembot 2000…). During your normal activities two and a half pixelated hearts will light up on your shirt. Hey… you’re depressed and in need of a recharge. But get within hugging distance of your significant other wearing the matching shirt and suddenly the hearts on both of your shirts start to light up until you’re fully powered up. Go too far astray from the source of your affections and you’ll drop back down to two and a half hearts again. Got it? ”

I Shouldn't Complain - My Barbies Had to Do Much Filthier Things

2008-02-01T06:44:00.000-08:00

It's pretty much a given that our girls will be on welfare by age 20 because of the Fashion Fever Barbie Boutique that features a built-in credit card swiper and a life-size credit card for young children to use when buying outfits and accessorieis for their dolls. According to the Amazon website, "Once the balance hits zero, it will reset so you can continue to shop."

But Barbie took it one step further by introducing The Barbie 2-in-1 party Plane & Ship, marketed for girls ages 3 to 8, and comes with martini glasses, bar stools and a disco scene (pictured, right). That's right... 3 years old!

On the one hand, this generation of Barbies teaches girls about the importance of getting a sugar daddy for mommy because without that, there's no party plane or ship. And for the boozing, well, mommy could enjoy a drinking buddy.

I guess this beats the Barbies that I played with. They wore Daisy Duke shorts and halter top and frequented seedy bars. And if I recall correctly, there were some back alleys and dollar bills involved.

But with The Barbie 2-in-1 party Plane & Ship, our baby girls can learn about high styling.

I Call Dibs

2008-01-31T06:54:00.000-08:00

So I'm thinking if Uzbekistan doesn't work out, I'm going to look elsewhere. It seems that the adoption pool for most other countries is rather crowded and the wait is over a year.

But did ya'll see that a NASA telescope picked up an image of a female form on Mars? (officials are trying to spin it and say it's just a 'rock formation' but whatevs.) I can't imagine that she'll have the support system and means to raise children. I mean, hell, if I were the only female on Mars, I'd be enjoying my freedom, sowing my oats, and flaunting my 'stuff' to all the men on the planet. No time for kiddos for me if I were that female Martian.

So dudes... this is official. I'm calling it. I gots dibs on Mars adoption.

You people go look elsewhere for international/intergalactical adoption options.

Get Out of My Dreams and into My Car

2008-01-30T07:18:00.000-08:00

I need your help, ya'll.

My crapola 1999 Jetta VW is at the shop today. It will cost $2000 to get it fixed. That piece of sh*t ain't worth $2. I told them to forget about it. It's not going to pass E-testing and my tags expire in 30 days. So, I need to buy a new car ASAP.

I'm clueless about cars. All I know is I need an SUV so my baby and I will have room and feel safe, gets great gas mileage, and I can drive in the winter without crying. (I'm from LA... so driving in the snow freaks me out.)

So.... if you can give me some suggestions of good SUVs and how to get a great deal, that would be greatly appreciated!

Car salesmen scare me.

And that title, it's from Billy Ocean, in case you have the song stuck in your brain.

Wish I Would Have Thought of This

2008-01-29T10:25:00.000-08:00

Maybe I can market some Angelina Jolie lips or some funny ones with a screaming mouth or one after biting into a lemon. Does anyone know how to get me starting on this?

Needless to Say, the Dancing Gig Didn't Work Out

2008-01-28T08:01:00.000-08:00

Back to square one in coming up with other adoption fundraising alternatives.
I guess I could just cut out Starbucks and work harder at the office..
but where's the fun in that?!

Many thanks to Suzanne for the picture!

Double Shift, Double Cheeseburger, Double Trouble

2008-01-25T13:32:00.000-08:00

I'm whacked, ya'll. Adoption ain't cheap.

There's all this panic in the IA world about blogging fundraising being a huge diplomatic no-no.

Doesn't matter much for me because no one is clicking on the 'enlarge yourself' ads on the right side of this blog.

To keep my budget down, I've been fine dining on Mickey D's dollar menu item - the double cheeseburger.

I'm thinking of taking a second job.. maybe at McD's so I can eat for free. Maybe I'll even take my double cheeseburger stuffed lard ass to the Beaver Hut and start dancing for extra income.

I Still Get My Starbucks and Spa Days

2008-01-24T11:08:00.000-08:00

Nothing's too good for my baby. Just as long as someone else buys it. And since I'm not on a sugardaddy's payroll, I have to resort to doing-it-myself.

Let's talk about cribs. Do you realize how expensive those cages are? If you figure that you only use those massive things for two years, it ends up being more expensive than a daily indulgence of a venti Starbucks coffee. And even I think that's too much.

And rocking horses. Those are cool toys and can be entertaining for hours on end. But even at garage sales, those things go for $25 minimum. Something about how it's a retro vintage thingy.

I figured that a crib and rocking horse together is going to run me about $400. That's the same cost as 3 days at an exclusive spa/resort. So.. when weighing the options of what's more important... spa wins.

But that's okay, I found an easy way to construct both the crib and horse. Sooo simple and sooo earth friendly. The rocking horse is going to take me under an hour to make.

Too Old to Die Young

2008-01-22T06:58:00.000-08:00

Yep, I'm 40 today.

And to put it in perspective, This day in History: 1984 - Apple introduced the Macintosh. It was the first computer to use point-and-click technology.

Nip It in the Bud Before Seeing the Adoption Judge

2008-01-21T09:22:00.000-08:00

My friend has a rather peculiar problem. You see, when she's nervous, regardless of the temperature, um.. her headlights tend to shine. And by shine, I mean she can blind people with those suckers. Basically poke an eye out, if you catch my drift.

It has served her well in the US. She seems to 'nervous' her way out of speeding tickets and I doubt she's ever had to buy her own drink. (I, on the other hand, happen to know from vast experience that the cost of beer is $3.50.)

In any case, she's incredibly worried about her adoption court hearing. This really wouldn't be a problem if she were adopting from, say, Siberia in January, and will be dwarved in a parka and five sweaters - but that's not the case. She's adopting from a country where the temps rarely dip below 100 degrees. She's worried that she'll offend the judge; be labeled a hussy; or send a wrong message about her excitement to adopt or excitement to be in court, for that matter.

So she turned to me and asked if I had any suggestions. I told her about Nippits. They are 'concealment' patches. They should make her court day be worry-free!!

((For those who feel that they need the opposite effect and to get noticed, you might want to consider this product.))

As for me, when I'm nervous or find myself in front of a judge, I just pee myself.

I Grace You with Another Dossier Photo

2008-01-18T06:46:00.000-08:00

I'm busy today ya'll. I've got deadlines to meet and people to see. So I don't have time to regale you with my adoption rhetoric. So I give you my dossier photo. I had to show a picture of me engaged in a hobby that I enjoy.

Oh God, who am I kidding? I don't have deadlines or people.. .I've got a doctor's appointment to deal with my incontinence.

See you Monday.

Pass on the Gift of Learning.. Buy a Book

2008-01-17T06:58:00.000-08:00

A blogging buddy of mine is doing this awesome project from the country of her daughter - Guatemala.

Check out Vanessa's blog. She's the Oprah of blogging.

She's an adoptive mom of a fantastic child from Guatemala. She's got this great project going on - an online Osbourne book sale for the Tierra Linda school in Guatemala. She will be delivering the books there herself. The sale will close at midnight on January 20th.

Please help her in this project and help get the word out because the school can earn free books for people ordering. Plus, you can even donate spanish titles to the school and the school will receive the donated books as well as the free books!!

Here's what inspired Vanessa, in her own words: "I adopted my sweet little girl from Guatemala and seeing the poverty there has really tugged at my heart strings to help as much as I can. I figured an education will have a lasting affect so this trip will be focused on the school!! I'm doing the book sale and I'm also collecting school supplies to ship down and I'm hoping for a wonderful turn out!! Last year they had 250 children registered and a mere 6 books for them to use!! It just amazes me that was all they had!! Some of the children sit on the floor and the teacher's didn't have desk or shelving in the classroom!!! I just can't imagine having to send my child to a school like that!!"

It Never Hurts...

2008-01-16T06:49:00.000-08:00

I hate chain mail. I don't believe in them and they are a waste of my email space. What kills me is that you are supposed to send them to 10 of your bestest friends in the whole wide world. My argument is that if these 10 people are my bestest friends, there's no way in hell I'm going to proactively try to get them to start ignoring me by sending them chain mail.

So, here's my deal. I kind of like the following good luck chain mail that was emailed to me. Golly gee, wouldn't be it cool if it were true? So.. instead of bothering you all, I'm just going to post this. Since there's a few hundred people who visit this site, it's like emailing to all you guys.. so my good luck is going to be multiplied by 10s.

This is the email chain mail. Just the fact that you came to this site constitutes my having sent it to you. It's the 2008 way of doing things. Email is soooo 2006.

And yes, you guys are being sucker punched with this. It's now in your hands. And I'm going to sit back and wait for my phone call.

This is spooky
OK guys, this truly is freaky, the phone literally rang as soon as I read the last word of this email!!!!!
I am taking the bait - what do I have to lose right? Hope it works! Supposedly The Phone Will Ring Right After You Do This. Just read the little stories and think of a wish as you scroll all the way to the bottom. There is a message there - then make your wish. No attachment on this one.
Stories :
I'm 13 years old, and I wished that my dad would come home from the army, because he'd been having problems with his heart and right leg. It was 2:53 p.m. When I made my wish. At 3:07 p.m.(14 minutes later), the doorbell rang, and there my Dad was, luggage and all!!

I'm Katie and I'm 20 and I've been having trouble in my job and on the verge of quitting. I made a simple wish that my boss would get a new job. That was at 1:35and at 2:55 there was an announcement that he was promoted and was leaving for another city. Believe me...this really works!!!

My name is Ann and I am 45 years of age. I had always been single and had been hoping to get into a nice, loving relationship for many years. While kind of daydreaming (and right after receiving this email) I wished that a quality person would finally come into my life. That was at 9:10 AM on a Tuesday. At 9:55 AM a FedEx delivery man came into my office. He was cute, polite and could not stop smiling at me. He started coming back almost everyday (even without packages) and asked me out a week later. We married 6 months later and now have been happily married for 2 years. What a great email it was!!

Just scroll down to the end, but while you do, think of a wish. Make your wish when you have completed scrolling. Whatever age you are, is the number of minutes it will take for your wish to come true. ex. you are 25 years old, it will take 25 minutes for your wish to come true). However, if you don't send this to people in 5 minutes, you will have bad luck for years!!

Go for it!!!

Congratulations!!! Your wish will now come true in your age minutes.
Now follow this carefully....it can be very rewarding!!!!
If you send this to 10 more people, other than the 5 that you already have to send to, something major that you've been wanting will happen.

Message: This is scary! The phone will ring right after you do this!

Shout Out Galore!

2008-01-15T07:13:00.000-08:00

This is my favorite part - when my adoption blogging buddies have finally come to the end of their waiting journey and start down another road as parents.

Here's to Leslie (Haiti, Ethiopia) who is currently in Ethiopia to meet and bring home her daughter G. Leslie's an amazing woman with an endless heart. G is an older child with HIV.

I actually have good news coming out of China and it doesn't involve the 5 year wait! Salome's Mom (Mongolia, China)is in China now (as in, as I type this 'now') to meet and bring home Cael, their son.

Kristin (Vietnam) has a referral of an adorable little girl!

Christy (Kazakhstan) is in Kaz right now with her lovely daughter, Zahri. She is spending six weeks there bonding and having a great time.

As a reminder of how precarious and fragile any adoption journey can be, please give your thoughts to Ted and Lori and their adorable baby Abernezer (Ethiopia). They were given A's referral, the birth mother wanted A to be adopted and the court denied it without any reason. There's still hope as the court will meet again this week.

Why Cry?

2008-01-14T10:12:00.000-08:00

I admit it. I'm a crybaby. I cry at commercials, Disney films, at a restaurant that has mutton on the menu. Sometimes I have no idea why I cry. Of course I'll deny it and say it's allergies. But pity the fool who's with me and have to figure out why the hell I'm crying.

So needless to say, if I can't understand why I'm crying, how am I to know why my baby is crying??

Evidently there's this product out on the market that will translate your baby's cries. It's called WhyCry. Check it out.

This high-tech analyzer lets you know if baby is hungry, tired, stressed, bored, or is experiencing discomfort. It also claims to be 98% reliable.